December 22, 2010

Santa Buys Coal Mine

A spokeself at the North Pole today confirmed rumors that Santa Claus has bought a coal mine in the United States. They also confirmed that the purchase was due to an inordinate number of people on the naughty list this year.

"There were so many, we just didn't have enough coal. So we had to look for something to supplement the coal we had," said the spokeself. "This mine was available, and we figured it should be able to support our coal needs for a long time."

In related news, the U.S. Congress today passed a bill imposing a tax on all coal destined for a Christmas stocking.

December 15, 2010

Rudolph In Fight, Gets Black Nose

Sources in the North Pole report that a recent fight between Prancer and Rudolph left Prancer with a black eye and Rudolph with a black nose.

Allegedly, the fight began because Prancer was not letting Rudolph play any reindeer games. Rudolph politely requested to be a part of the games, but when Prancer started calling Rudolph names, Rudolph lost control and attacked Prancer.

"It was brutal," said one elf who witnessed the whole brawl, "They were both swinging their antlers and pawing at each other. When Prancer smacked Rudolph on the nose, his nose went all black and blue. It actually sort of looks like a regular reindeer's nose now."

It is unknown what Santa will do now that the sleigh has a headlight out. All witnesses agreed though that this fight will go down in history.

December 13, 2010

Santa Claus Tries His Hand at Cheese-Making

Santa Claus, bombarded by gift requests of cheese-balls and delicious cheeses, announced today that he will stop using imported cheese and have his elves get started on an ambitious cheese-making project.

"It's a natural thing to do," says Mr. Claus, "I get hundreds of requests every year from adults that still believe in me. I like to try new things, so I took a few elves off toy-making duty."

Mr. Claus says that since there are no cows at the North Pole, there was a heated discussion among the elves whether cows should be imported. Finally, he says, they decided against it. Instead, the cheese will be made from reindeer milk.

"It will be absolutely delicious. We anticipate it will taste like a cross between goat's cheese and Emmenthaler," said the elf heading the project.

There is no word yet on whether Mr. Claus also intends to start a vineyard to produce a wine that will pair with the cheese.

December 11, 2010

Santa Checks Naughty List Twice, Finds Discrepancies

Santa Claus announced today that in his check of the naughty list, he found several discrepancies the second time around. Mr. Claus, who is well-known for his naughty list and his OCD need to check it twice, said that several names that were on the list the first time appeared to have been crossed out before he checked it for the second time.

"Usually it's not surprising. It happens every year," explained Mr. Claus. "A few of those on the naughty list manage to make it on to the nice list. But this year there were some who should have definitely stayed on the naughty list."

Mr. Claus suspects that the naughty-listers may have found a way to bribe an elf to get them off the list. Unfortunately, there is no way of telling which elf, since they all have access to the list. Until further notice, Mr. Claus says that only he will have access to the list, and that this year he will be checking it four times, rather than the usual two.

December 9, 2010

Little Lamb Gets Contacts, Night Wind No Longer Questions Lamb's Eyesight

A little lamb in Israel today was fitted with contacts to help it see better. Shepherds had become concerned about the lamb's sight after they repeatedly woke up to the night wind whispering "Do you see what I see?" to the little lamb.

"It was kind of creepy. I've never heard the night wind actually form words before," said one shepherd, who wished to remain anonymous out of fear that his family might think he has gone crazy. "The night wind said it saw a star with a tail as big as a kite, but that little lamb couldn't hear it. It got really old after the night wind repeated itself for the fourth time."

In related news, a kite with a long tail was mistaken last night for a star by a group of astronomers. "It looked just like a star dancing in the night," said one of the astronomers, "but it actually turned out to belong to a kid named Larry."

December 8, 2010

One Horse Open Sleigh Gets Upsot

Holiday plans went awry on Tuesday for Paul Gero when his one horse open sleigh ran into a drifted bank and got upsot. Mr. Gero then pulled out the woman seated by his side, Miss Fanny Bright. Eyewitnesses say Mr. Gero was quite upset at the upsotting.

"There we were, having a fine time. The bells were jingling, we were laughing our way through the fields and singing sleighing songs," said Mr. Gero. "Oh, what fun we were having. Then suddenly our horse, who was quite lean and lank, ran right into that bank of snow. It was like he didn't even see the thing."

Police say they do not plan on giving Mr. Gero a speeding ticket, even though he admits his sleigh was dashing through the snow.

December 7, 2010

Parents Create Santa Claus Crime Watch

Vigilant parents in Newport, Louisiana have created a crime watch this Christmas to keep an eye out for Santa Claus. They say if he comes to town, he'll spend Christmas in their town jail.

"Some of us were singing 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' and we realized it had a hidden message," explained Timothy Tumkins, the organizer of the campaign, "It's a really ominous song, if you think about it. 'You better watch out, you better not pout' and all that. We finally saw Santa for what he really is - a toy-toting thug. We think he actually steals toys from some kids when he comes to town."

According to Mr. Tumkins, families across the town have pledged to keep a roaring fire going in their chimney and Santa traps on the roof. When asked what they intend to do with Mr. Claus, should he be captured, Mr. Tumkins shrugged his shoulders and said "The same thing we do with all our criminals - lock them up with only bread and water, except for Santa we might make it milk and cookies."

North Pole Spokeself Feliz Navidad assured Holiday Tribune that Mr. Claus is not a criminal, but that he has put Mr. Tumkins on the naughty list.

December 6, 2010

Santa Acquires Submarine

Sources at the North Pole say that Santa Claus recently acquired a slightly used submarine as a backup plan in case the North Pole melts.

Elves say that Mr. Claus believes that in the next few decades, climate change may make his icy home melt into seawater. As a result, Mr. Claus needed a place to relocate to in case that happens. While the preferred location is apparently the South Pole, Mr. Claus would need a means of transporting his workshop and all his elves there. So when a submarine came up for sale on e-bay, the opportunity was too good to pass up.

"We're really excited about this," exclaimed one elf, "we think he should use it in the meantime to make deliveries to Hawaii."

Sources say claims that Mr. Claus is attempting to buy an aircraft carrier are completely untrue.

December 5, 2010

Scientist: We Are One Day Closer to Christmas

A prominent scientist studying the passage of time today said that we are one day closer to Christmas than we were yesterday.

Melvin Potts, head scientist for the Space and Time Observatory, says he can say with "some certainty" that there are at least 24 hours less time until Christmas. This, he says, was the result of a multi-year, multi-million dollar research study. When asked why he wasted his time and taxpayer money on such a study, Mr. Potts looked up from his prepared notes, gave the reporter asking the question what can only be called a dirty look, and continued his remarks. He noted that there is no need to panic. The passage of time, he says, is "not getting any faster."

When it was pointed out that one could tell we were one day closer to Christmas simply by looking at a calendar, Mr. Potts retorted that such a thing was preposterous.One reporter at the news conference pulled out an Advent Calendar to show how she marked the passage of time until Christmas. At that time, Mr. Potts ran into the audience, grabbed the advent calendar, and skipped away singing "I'm Gettin' Nuttin' for Christmas".

In a related development, the Space and Time Observatory today announced that it is inviting in a team of psychiatrists to have a look at some of its scientists.

December 4, 2010

Santa Hires Dentist to Assist With Front Teeth Requests

After thousands of requests from little children wishing for front teeth this Christmas, Santa decided to call in a professional.

George Conway, of Mistletoe, Arizona had a thriving dental business when one day in October his phone rang. On the other end was Santa, who explained that his elves were tired of making teeth for little children whose sole wish is to have front teeth so they could say "Sister Susie sitting on a thistle."

"I viewed it as a great opportunity to make a difference this Christmas," Mr. Conway said, "and it doesn't hurt that I get to ride on Santa's sleigh to insert the teeth either.

Some critics claim that little children don't really want front teeth, but that they were simply singing the popular song "(All I Want for Christmas Is) My Two Front Teeth". However, sources at the North Pole say that Santa does not want to take chances and so he takes each Christmas wish at face value. Until children stop singing out that they want those teeth, it looks like they are in for a visit from George Conway, dental elf.

December 3, 2010

WikiLeaks Confirms Santa Real

Thousands of documents released today on WikiLeaks confirm that there is indeed a Santa Claus. The documents, purported to be the top secret communications among North Pole Elves, paint a picture of a large, jolly man who is unhealthily obsessed with Christmas.

"This is big. This is bigger than big," exclaimed one woman, who asked to remain anonymous because she thinks Santa would put her on the naughty list if she confirms her identity.

WikiLeaks is not revealing how they obtained the documents. It is believed that a disgruntled elf who was tired of working on toys 365 days a year is the original source.

Top U.S. government officials had no official comment, but several of them were willing to state off the record that they hoped Santa Claus would indeed be coming to town this Christmas.

November 24, 2010

Turkeys Breathe a Sigh of Relief

Turkeys around the country breathed a sigh of relief as the deadline for getting frozen turkeys into the store passed. The day, known by turkeys as "drop dead day" is before Thanksgiving, so the still-living turkeys mourn their fallen comrades but rejoice that they have a few more months to live.

"It's the most wonderful day of the year," said Tom Turkey, a turkey from Manti, Utah. "We all get together and gobble. It's far better than being on the table and getting gobbled all up."

November 23, 2010

Minnesota Man Creates Snow Toothpaste

In an attempt to capture a portion of the toothpaste market, a Minnesota man has come up with a new toothpaste made of snow. The toothpaste, which goes by the name SnowMan toothpaste, comes in a variety of colors and flavors.

"For gentle cleaning, we recommend the pure snow formula. But for a better cleaning of that gunky plaque, we recommend our street snow formula. It has a little bit of gravel and grit in it to really get down to the enamel," explained Jeb Dickinson, the creator of the new toothpaste.

The new toothpaste can be found in the freezer section of your local supermarket.

November 19, 2010

Congress Considers Taxing Santa Claus

As lawmakers struggle with whether to extend tax cuts, one proposal has the North Pole seeing red, and not just from Rudolph's nose. In a secret memo leaked to the press, Congress has for the first time raised the possibility of imposing tariffs on "imports" from Santa Claus, including any toys he produces for children in the United States.

"It is both a way to raise revenue and also a way to protect American jobs," explained a source, who wished to remain anonymous since discussions about the tax are still in their infancy. "Think about all the toys people don't buy because Santa Claus gives them a toy for free. It costs Americans their jobs and it is time for Mr. Claus to take responsibility for the hurt he is causing American families."

Holiday Tribune was unable to reach the North Pole for comment. Unofficial sources, however, said that plans are underway to implement a donation system and pledge drive if the tax is imposed. Preliminary ideas include putting pledge envelopes on stockings or requesting money be left out rather than cookies and milk.

November 16, 2010

Grandmother's Woods Cut Down, Horses No Longer Know the Way

Grandma Jessie, the well-known Grandma who lives over the river and through the woods, woke up Wednesday to a clear cut forest, after developers cut down the woods to make way for new luxury condominiums.

For years, the battle over rights to the woods had been fought in the courts, with Grandma Jessie claiming that the woods belonged to her by right and the developers claiming they had been sold the woods by a young woman in a red riding hood. Finally, last Thursday, the courts decided in favor of the developers.

"It's criminal, that's what it is," said Grandma Jessie, "Look at what they've done to the woods. And they drove all over the white and drifting snow. It's a muddy mess."

In related news, local tourist bureau officials have had to shut down their popular sleigh rides through the forest. They say that horses, confused by the lack of trees, no longer know the way to carry the sleigh to Grandmother's house. Additionally, mud and pollutants from the construction area have found their way into the river, choking off wildlife and creating an ecological disaster.

November 10, 2010

Elvis Impersonators Mistakenly Apply for Elves' Jobs at North Pole

Elvis Goes to the North Pole

Everyone has been hit by the economy, including Elvis impersonators. So when a group of Elvis impersonators misread an employment notice advertising for Elves working at the North Pole, Santa Claus did his best to accommodate.

"It said Elves, we read Elvis. Simple as that," said Tom Bryerson, one of the impersonators, "Really, it's all in how you pronounce it."

When asked how the visitors from Vegas are doing in their new employment, most elves agreed that the impersonators are taller than the average elf, don't have the same hand-eye-toy coordination, and use their hips a bit more. However, they also noted that it has been great to "have a bit of diversity in the music."

It is unclear whether Mr. Claus intends to keep the Elvis elves on after the Christmas demand has passed, but there are rumors that a number of the elves are thinking about going to Vegas after the holidays to "get their groove on."

November 8, 2010

Smoothie Shop Tests New Turkey Smoothie

Ask any of the customers at Sam's Smoothies of Archer, Arizona what they think of Sam and you will get one word repeated often: "Visionary." So when Sam unveiled a new turkey-flavored smoothie for the Thanksgiving season, few were surprised.

"Last year, Sam had a Butter Roll Smoothie and a Yam Smoothie, so it's natural that this year he would tackle the turkey," said long-time client Genevieve Diggory, "I'm just surprised there's no cranberry smoothie to put on top of it."

Not all of Sam's customers are so pleased, however. "It's animal cruelty to blend up a turkey. He should be using tofu," ranted Jeremy Wendells, "and besides, the thing tastes awful."

When asked about his new concoction, Sam had no comment, but he did provide a list of other holiday favorites he intends to sell, including his new Turkey Gizzard Frozen Yoghurt.

November 3, 2010

America Heaves a Sigh of Relief as Half of Politicians Are Not Voted In

In a stunning new development to this year's election, Americans across the country awoke today to the news that exactly one half of the politicians on the ballot yesterday were not voted into office. That half, typically known as the losers of their campaigns, stayed home today as spontaneous parades broke out across the nation.

"It's just so exciting. Can you imagine if all the politicians won? We'd have to get a bigger Congress and all the campaigning would seem sort of pointless," said Mary Q. Contrary of Idaho Falls, Idaho.

"I feel bad for all of the winners," muttered Carl Hansen of Chicago, Illinois, "I mean, all of them will be hated and generally disliked within a year or two anyway. They'd have been much better off joining the losing side."

In related news, Holiday Tribune has discovered that reported plans for the winners to buy all the losers a milkshake are false. 

November 2, 2010

Sea Lions Running Polling Station: Zoos Suspect Voting Fraud

In a rare moment of agreement, animal rights activists and zoos across the country issued a call for an investigation into allegations of voter fraud at a polling station run by sea lions.

Halverson County in Alaska apparently ran out of human volunteers for their polling stations, and so they asked a local zoo to supply them with sea lions to "watch" the polling station. But things apparently got out of hand when a fisherman walked into the polling station with a bucket of fish at his side.

"Them sea lions done gone hog wild at the sight of them fish," said Douglas Fairbanks, the unlucky fisherman. "They come runnin' at me and started barking like there was no tomorrow. And they clapped those funny little hands of theirs."

County observers say the incident was not that surprising since the sea lions had not been fed that day, but others aren't so sure. Three people accused someone of feeding fish to the trained sea lions in exchange for hitting the voting button with their flippers.

"It's outright fraud is what it is, using those poor sea lions like that," exclaimed Susan Perry, one of the eyewitnesses. "They must have voted about 100 times to get those fish."

State and County voting officials are investigating the allegations. They say they have not found any evidence of wrongdoing yet except for the strange odor of fish on some of the polling booths.

Write-In Campaign Fails

A campaign to get every voter in America to write in their own name for public office failed today when Sarah Duston of Brooklyn, New York voted for an actual politician. Considering she was one of the first votes of the day, the future did not look bright for the campaign.

"When it came down to it, I just didn't think I had the qualifications," explained Ms. Duston. "Plus, I ran an attack ad against myself, and it was pretty convincing."

"All we wanted to do was throw havoc into the election by voting 500 million Americans into public office," lamented Robert Ferguson, one of the leading organizers of the campaign. "Why is it people don't know a good idea when they see one?"

It is unknown whether anyone has written themselves in yet in the election, though reliable sources say they expect some people in Alaska to do so.

Turkeys Get Out the Vote

Turkeys across the country are voting today in what they are calling a "life or death" vote. Turkey leaders have called on every turkey in the country to go to polling places and vote for candidates who have shown a clear preference of eating tofurkey at Thanksgiving, the tofu substitute for turkey.

"It's not something that has gotten a lot of press coverage, but it's important to us," says Gus Saunders, a turkey from Manti, Utah. "We just want the right to live in peace in tiny cages. Is that really too much to ask?"

Holiday Tribune was unable to find any politicians willing to go on record for this story. Several did, however, give us campaign flyers with a coupon for a free turkey at Thanksgiving.

November 1, 2010

Music Review: "Plymouth Rock" by Fish for Pilgrims

For those who want to dance to the latest beats, you can't beat the new album "Plymouth Rock" by new band Fish for Pilgrims. It's full of grooves that bring the soothing sounds of the 1600s into the 21st century.

The album opens with the lilting sounds of "May Flower" then segues into the jarring sounds of "Scurvy, Pneumonia, and Tuberculosis." But the stand-out tracks on the album have to be "The Many Miles of Myles Standish" and "Bury My Fish." With them, Fish for Pilgrims will definitely be able to weather the winter and a lot of people will be giving thanks for this new album.

Four Stars ****

October 30, 2010

Store Puts Up 4th of July Decorations Before Halloween

How early is too early to put up 4th of July Decorations? Harry Henderson's Hardware of Hidalgo, New Mexico, has sent a message to his small town that one can celebrate the 4th of July all year round. Town inhabitants recently woke up to see Henderson's store blazing with red, white and blue chasing lights, a giant flag in the window, and a statue of liberty sprinkler out front.

"It's just awful," lamented Steve Openheimer, the owner of the grocery store across the street, "He hasn't even waited until Halloween is over. Those decorations will be up for nearly a year! It's holiday creep, that's what it is. Next people will start putting up Christmas decorations before Halloween, and then even before Easter."

When asked how a holiday that is named after a specific day of a specific month can be celebrated in October and for most of the rest of the year, Mr. Henderson refused to answer and mumbled something about apple pie.

October 28, 2010

Congress Considers Taxing Kids' Halloween Tricks and Treats

Parents across the country are up in arms at a proposal in the Senate to put a tax on the candy handed out at Halloween. The proposed tax would require one candy for every ten collected, and two candies for every trick played. The legislation would also create millions of new jobs for one night, as candy collectors are put on nearly every street corner to count the candies kids have in their bags and take the required amount for Uncle Sam.

"It's taking candy from babies, that's what it is," complains parent Joe Hidson, "but they are politicians - I suppose I shouldn't be surprised."

When asked what Congress intends to do with the candy windfall, sources admitted that Senators are still working that out. One popular proposal would create the first National Candy Bank, while another would save the candy for after-dinner snacks when Congress finishes eating all its pork.

October 27, 2010

Pumpkin Farmer Awakens to Field of Jack-O-Lanterns

A Puyallup, Washington pumpkin farmer today alerted police to a criminal mastermind that had infiltrated his pumpkin patch and carved every pumpkin in the field into a jack-o-lantern.

Avery Dilligens says when he went to bed last night, every pumpkin was "resting its sweet squashy self in the patch," but that when he awoke, the field "looked like it was full of maniacal heads, staring with their beady little triangular eyes."

Police say they have no suspects, but that most likely the perpetrator had recently been to China to see the Terra Cotta Soldiers. When asked why, police indicated that several of the pumpkins had been placed on salt dough statues made to look like the soldiers.

Druids Lament Scarcity of Halloween-Themed Wrapping Paper

Druids in the United States and England took to the streets today to protest a worldwide scarcity of Halloween-themed wrapping paper. The protests, held outside the major wrapping paper manufacturing centers, were held at twilight and attended by serious druids as well as thousands of black cats that wandered into the protests looking for a good time.

Druids complain that when they want to present gifts at Halloween, there is nothing to wrap those gifts in. "I had to wrap my talisman gift in butcher paper," lamented Gus Gildersleeve, a druid since birth. "I mean, Christmas wrapping paper is easy to find, but a good wrapping paper with skulls and gravestones, now that you can't find anywhere. It's tragic, that's what it is."

In a related development, officials at Stonehenge were shocked to find the monument wrapped in St. Patrick's Day wrapping paper. Police say a male druid had wanted to give his sweetheart the ultimate gift, but couldn't find the right wrapping paper.