October 30, 2010

Store Puts Up 4th of July Decorations Before Halloween

How early is too early to put up 4th of July Decorations? Harry Henderson's Hardware of Hidalgo, New Mexico, has sent a message to his small town that one can celebrate the 4th of July all year round. Town inhabitants recently woke up to see Henderson's store blazing with red, white and blue chasing lights, a giant flag in the window, and a statue of liberty sprinkler out front.

"It's just awful," lamented Steve Openheimer, the owner of the grocery store across the street, "He hasn't even waited until Halloween is over. Those decorations will be up for nearly a year! It's holiday creep, that's what it is. Next people will start putting up Christmas decorations before Halloween, and then even before Easter."

When asked how a holiday that is named after a specific day of a specific month can be celebrated in October and for most of the rest of the year, Mr. Henderson refused to answer and mumbled something about apple pie.

October 28, 2010

Congress Considers Taxing Kids' Halloween Tricks and Treats

Parents across the country are up in arms at a proposal in the Senate to put a tax on the candy handed out at Halloween. The proposed tax would require one candy for every ten collected, and two candies for every trick played. The legislation would also create millions of new jobs for one night, as candy collectors are put on nearly every street corner to count the candies kids have in their bags and take the required amount for Uncle Sam.

"It's taking candy from babies, that's what it is," complains parent Joe Hidson, "but they are politicians - I suppose I shouldn't be surprised."

When asked what Congress intends to do with the candy windfall, sources admitted that Senators are still working that out. One popular proposal would create the first National Candy Bank, while another would save the candy for after-dinner snacks when Congress finishes eating all its pork.

October 27, 2010

Pumpkin Farmer Awakens to Field of Jack-O-Lanterns


A Puyallup, Washington pumpkin farmer today alerted police to a criminal mastermind that had infiltrated his pumpkin patch and carved every pumpkin in the field into a jack-o-lantern.

Avery Dilligens says when he went to bed last night, every pumpkin was "resting its sweet squashy self in the patch," but that when he awoke, the field "looked like it was full of maniacal heads, staring with their beady little triangular eyes."

Police say they have no suspects, but that most likely the perpetrator had recently been to China to see the Terra Cotta Soldiers. When asked why, police indicated that several of the pumpkins had been placed on salt dough statues made to look like the soldiers.

Druids Lament Scarcity of Halloween-Themed Wrapping Paper

Druids in the United States and England took to the streets today to protest a worldwide scarcity of Halloween-themed wrapping paper. The protests, held outside the major wrapping paper manufacturing centers, were held at twilight and attended by serious druids as well as thousands of black cats that wandered into the protests looking for a good time.

Druids complain that when they want to present gifts at Halloween, there is nothing to wrap those gifts in. "I had to wrap my talisman gift in butcher paper," lamented Gus Gildersleeve, a druid since birth. "I mean, Christmas wrapping paper is easy to find, but a good wrapping paper with skulls and gravestones, now that you can't find anywhere. It's tragic, that's what it is."

In a related development, officials at Stonehenge were shocked to find the monument wrapped in St. Patrick's Day wrapping paper. Police say a male druid had wanted to give his sweetheart the ultimate gift, but couldn't find the right wrapping paper.