November 24, 2010

Turkeys Breathe a Sigh of Relief

Turkeys around the country breathed a sigh of relief as the deadline for getting frozen turkeys into the store passed. The day, known by turkeys as "drop dead day" is before Thanksgiving, so the still-living turkeys mourn their fallen comrades but rejoice that they have a few more months to live.

"It's the most wonderful day of the year," said Tom Turkey, a turkey from Manti, Utah. "We all get together and gobble. It's far better than being on the table and getting gobbled all up."

November 23, 2010

Minnesota Man Creates Snow Toothpaste

In an attempt to capture a portion of the toothpaste market, a Minnesota man has come up with a new toothpaste made of snow. The toothpaste, which goes by the name SnowMan toothpaste, comes in a variety of colors and flavors.

"For gentle cleaning, we recommend the pure snow formula. But for a better cleaning of that gunky plaque, we recommend our street snow formula. It has a little bit of gravel and grit in it to really get down to the enamel," explained Jeb Dickinson, the creator of the new toothpaste.

The new toothpaste can be found in the freezer section of your local supermarket.

November 19, 2010

Congress Considers Taxing Santa Claus

As lawmakers struggle with whether to extend tax cuts, one proposal has the North Pole seeing red, and not just from Rudolph's nose. In a secret memo leaked to the press, Congress has for the first time raised the possibility of imposing tariffs on "imports" from Santa Claus, including any toys he produces for children in the United States.

"It is both a way to raise revenue and also a way to protect American jobs," explained a source, who wished to remain anonymous since discussions about the tax are still in their infancy. "Think about all the toys people don't buy because Santa Claus gives them a toy for free. It costs Americans their jobs and it is time for Mr. Claus to take responsibility for the hurt he is causing American families."

Holiday Tribune was unable to reach the North Pole for comment. Unofficial sources, however, said that plans are underway to implement a donation system and pledge drive if the tax is imposed. Preliminary ideas include putting pledge envelopes on stockings or requesting money be left out rather than cookies and milk.

November 16, 2010

Grandmother's Woods Cut Down, Horses No Longer Know the Way

Grandma Jessie, the well-known Grandma who lives over the river and through the woods, woke up Wednesday to a clear cut forest, after developers cut down the woods to make way for new luxury condominiums.

For years, the battle over rights to the woods had been fought in the courts, with Grandma Jessie claiming that the woods belonged to her by right and the developers claiming they had been sold the woods by a young woman in a red riding hood. Finally, last Thursday, the courts decided in favor of the developers.

"It's criminal, that's what it is," said Grandma Jessie, "Look at what they've done to the woods. And they drove all over the white and drifting snow. It's a muddy mess."

In related news, local tourist bureau officials have had to shut down their popular sleigh rides through the forest. They say that horses, confused by the lack of trees, no longer know the way to carry the sleigh to Grandmother's house. Additionally, mud and pollutants from the construction area have found their way into the river, choking off wildlife and creating an ecological disaster.

November 10, 2010

Elvis Impersonators Mistakenly Apply for Elves' Jobs at North Pole

Elvis Goes to the North Pole

Everyone has been hit by the economy, including Elvis impersonators. So when a group of Elvis impersonators misread an employment notice advertising for Elves working at the North Pole, Santa Claus did his best to accommodate.

"It said Elves, we read Elvis. Simple as that," said Tom Bryerson, one of the impersonators, "Really, it's all in how you pronounce it."

When asked how the visitors from Vegas are doing in their new employment, most elves agreed that the impersonators are taller than the average elf, don't have the same hand-eye-toy coordination, and use their hips a bit more. However, they also noted that it has been great to "have a bit of diversity in the music."

It is unclear whether Mr. Claus intends to keep the Elvis elves on after the Christmas demand has passed, but there are rumors that a number of the elves are thinking about going to Vegas after the holidays to "get their groove on."

November 8, 2010

Smoothie Shop Tests New Turkey Smoothie

Ask any of the customers at Sam's Smoothies of Archer, Arizona what they think of Sam and you will get one word repeated often: "Visionary." So when Sam unveiled a new turkey-flavored smoothie for the Thanksgiving season, few were surprised.

"Last year, Sam had a Butter Roll Smoothie and a Yam Smoothie, so it's natural that this year he would tackle the turkey," said long-time client Genevieve Diggory, "I'm just surprised there's no cranberry smoothie to put on top of it."

Not all of Sam's customers are so pleased, however. "It's animal cruelty to blend up a turkey. He should be using tofu," ranted Jeremy Wendells, "and besides, the thing tastes awful."

When asked about his new concoction, Sam had no comment, but he did provide a list of other holiday favorites he intends to sell, including his new Turkey Gizzard Frozen Yoghurt.

November 3, 2010

America Heaves a Sigh of Relief as Half of Politicians Are Not Voted In

In a stunning new development to this year's election, Americans across the country awoke today to the news that exactly one half of the politicians on the ballot yesterday were not voted into office. That half, typically known as the losers of their campaigns, stayed home today as spontaneous parades broke out across the nation.

"It's just so exciting. Can you imagine if all the politicians won? We'd have to get a bigger Congress and all the campaigning would seem sort of pointless," said Mary Q. Contrary of Idaho Falls, Idaho.

"I feel bad for all of the winners," muttered Carl Hansen of Chicago, Illinois, "I mean, all of them will be hated and generally disliked within a year or two anyway. They'd have been much better off joining the losing side."

In related news, Holiday Tribune has discovered that reported plans for the winners to buy all the losers a milkshake are false. 

November 2, 2010

Sea Lions Running Polling Station: Zoos Suspect Voting Fraud

In a rare moment of agreement, animal rights activists and zoos across the country issued a call for an investigation into allegations of voter fraud at a polling station run by sea lions.

Halverson County in Alaska apparently ran out of human volunteers for their polling stations, and so they asked a local zoo to supply them with sea lions to "watch" the polling station. But things apparently got out of hand when a fisherman walked into the polling station with a bucket of fish at his side.

"Them sea lions done gone hog wild at the sight of them fish," said Douglas Fairbanks, the unlucky fisherman. "They come runnin' at me and started barking like there was no tomorrow. And they clapped those funny little hands of theirs."

County observers say the incident was not that surprising since the sea lions had not been fed that day, but others aren't so sure. Three people accused someone of feeding fish to the trained sea lions in exchange for hitting the voting button with their flippers.

"It's outright fraud is what it is, using those poor sea lions like that," exclaimed Susan Perry, one of the eyewitnesses. "They must have voted about 100 times to get those fish."

State and County voting officials are investigating the allegations. They say they have not found any evidence of wrongdoing yet except for the strange odor of fish on some of the polling booths.

Write-In Campaign Fails

A campaign to get every voter in America to write in their own name for public office failed today when Sarah Duston of Brooklyn, New York voted for an actual politician. Considering she was one of the first votes of the day, the future did not look bright for the campaign.

"When it came down to it, I just didn't think I had the qualifications," explained Ms. Duston. "Plus, I ran an attack ad against myself, and it was pretty convincing."

"All we wanted to do was throw havoc into the election by voting 500 million Americans into public office," lamented Robert Ferguson, one of the leading organizers of the campaign. "Why is it people don't know a good idea when they see one?"

It is unknown whether anyone has written themselves in yet in the election, though reliable sources say they expect some people in Alaska to do so.


Turkeys Get Out the Vote

Turkeys across the country are voting today in what they are calling a "life or death" vote. Turkey leaders have called on every turkey in the country to go to polling places and vote for candidates who have shown a clear preference of eating tofurkey at Thanksgiving, the tofu substitute for turkey.

"It's not something that has gotten a lot of press coverage, but it's important to us," says Gus Saunders, a turkey from Manti, Utah. "We just want the right to live in peace in tiny cages. Is that really too much to ask?"

Holiday Tribune was unable to find any politicians willing to go on record for this story. Several did, however, give us campaign flyers with a coupon for a free turkey at Thanksgiving.

November 1, 2010

Music Review: "Plymouth Rock" by Fish for Pilgrims

For those who want to dance to the latest beats, you can't beat the new album "Plymouth Rock" by new band Fish for Pilgrims. It's full of grooves that bring the soothing sounds of the 1600s into the 21st century.

The album opens with the lilting sounds of "May Flower" then segues into the jarring sounds of "Scurvy, Pneumonia, and Tuberculosis." But the stand-out tracks on the album have to be "The Many Miles of Myles Standish" and "Bury My Fish." With them, Fish for Pilgrims will definitely be able to weather the winter and a lot of people will be giving thanks for this new album.

Four Stars ****