In a stunning new development to this year's election, Americans across the country awoke today to the news that exactly one half of the politicians on the ballot yesterday were not voted into office. That half, typically known as the losers of their campaigns, stayed home today as spontaneous parades broke out across the nation.
"It's just so exciting. Can you imagine if all the politicians won? We'd have to get a bigger Congress and all the campaigning would seem sort of pointless," said Mary Q. Contrary of Idaho Falls, Idaho.
"I feel bad for all of the winners," muttered Carl Hansen of Chicago, Illinois, "I mean, all of them will be hated and generally disliked within a year or two anyway. They'd have been much better off joining the losing side."
In related news, Holiday Tribune has discovered that reported plans for the winners to buy all the losers a milkshake are false.