December 22, 2010

Santa Buys Coal Mine

A spokeself at the North Pole today confirmed rumors that Santa Claus has bought a coal mine in the United States. They also confirmed that the purchase was due to an inordinate number of people on the naughty list this year.

"There were so many, we just didn't have enough coal. So we had to look for something to supplement the coal we had," said the spokeself. "This mine was available, and we figured it should be able to support our coal needs for a long time."

In related news, the U.S. Congress today passed a bill imposing a tax on all coal destined for a Christmas stocking.

December 15, 2010

Rudolph In Fight, Gets Black Nose

Sources in the North Pole report that a recent fight between Prancer and Rudolph left Prancer with a black eye and Rudolph with a black nose.

Allegedly, the fight began because Prancer was not letting Rudolph play any reindeer games. Rudolph politely requested to be a part of the games, but when Prancer started calling Rudolph names, Rudolph lost control and attacked Prancer.

"It was brutal," said one elf who witnessed the whole brawl, "They were both swinging their antlers and pawing at each other. When Prancer smacked Rudolph on the nose, his nose went all black and blue. It actually sort of looks like a regular reindeer's nose now."

It is unknown what Santa will do now that the sleigh has a headlight out. All witnesses agreed though that this fight will go down in history.

December 13, 2010

Santa Claus Tries His Hand at Cheese-Making

Santa Claus, bombarded by gift requests of cheese-balls and delicious cheeses, announced today that he will stop using imported cheese and have his elves get started on an ambitious cheese-making project.

"It's a natural thing to do," says Mr. Claus, "I get hundreds of requests every year from adults that still believe in me. I like to try new things, so I took a few elves off toy-making duty."

Mr. Claus says that since there are no cows at the North Pole, there was a heated discussion among the elves whether cows should be imported. Finally, he says, they decided against it. Instead, the cheese will be made from reindeer milk.

"It will be absolutely delicious. We anticipate it will taste like a cross between goat's cheese and Emmenthaler," said the elf heading the project.

There is no word yet on whether Mr. Claus also intends to start a vineyard to produce a wine that will pair with the cheese.

December 11, 2010

Santa Checks Naughty List Twice, Finds Discrepancies

Santa Claus announced today that in his check of the naughty list, he found several discrepancies the second time around. Mr. Claus, who is well-known for his naughty list and his OCD need to check it twice, said that several names that were on the list the first time appeared to have been crossed out before he checked it for the second time.

"Usually it's not surprising. It happens every year," explained Mr. Claus. "A few of those on the naughty list manage to make it on to the nice list. But this year there were some who should have definitely stayed on the naughty list."

Mr. Claus suspects that the naughty-listers may have found a way to bribe an elf to get them off the list. Unfortunately, there is no way of telling which elf, since they all have access to the list. Until further notice, Mr. Claus says that only he will have access to the list, and that this year he will be checking it four times, rather than the usual two.

December 9, 2010

Little Lamb Gets Contacts, Night Wind No Longer Questions Lamb's Eyesight

A little lamb in Israel today was fitted with contacts to help it see better. Shepherds had become concerned about the lamb's sight after they repeatedly woke up to the night wind whispering "Do you see what I see?" to the little lamb.

"It was kind of creepy. I've never heard the night wind actually form words before," said one shepherd, who wished to remain anonymous out of fear that his family might think he has gone crazy. "The night wind said it saw a star with a tail as big as a kite, but that little lamb couldn't hear it. It got really old after the night wind repeated itself for the fourth time."

In related news, a kite with a long tail was mistaken last night for a star by a group of astronomers. "It looked just like a star dancing in the night," said one of the astronomers, "but it actually turned out to belong to a kid named Larry."

December 8, 2010

One Horse Open Sleigh Gets Upsot

Holiday plans went awry on Tuesday for Paul Gero when his one horse open sleigh ran into a drifted bank and got upsot. Mr. Gero then pulled out the woman seated by his side, Miss Fanny Bright. Eyewitnesses say Mr. Gero was quite upset at the upsotting.

"There we were, having a fine time. The bells were jingling, we were laughing our way through the fields and singing sleighing songs," said Mr. Gero. "Oh, what fun we were having. Then suddenly our horse, who was quite lean and lank, ran right into that bank of snow. It was like he didn't even see the thing."

Police say they do not plan on giving Mr. Gero a speeding ticket, even though he admits his sleigh was dashing through the snow.

December 7, 2010

Parents Create Santa Claus Crime Watch

Vigilant parents in Newport, Louisiana have created a crime watch this Christmas to keep an eye out for Santa Claus. They say if he comes to town, he'll spend Christmas in their town jail.

"Some of us were singing 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' and we realized it had a hidden message," explained Timothy Tumkins, the organizer of the campaign, "It's a really ominous song, if you think about it. 'You better watch out, you better not pout' and all that. We finally saw Santa for what he really is - a toy-toting thug. We think he actually steals toys from some kids when he comes to town."

According to Mr. Tumkins, families across the town have pledged to keep a roaring fire going in their chimney and Santa traps on the roof. When asked what they intend to do with Mr. Claus, should he be captured, Mr. Tumkins shrugged his shoulders and said "The same thing we do with all our criminals - lock them up with only bread and water, except for Santa we might make it milk and cookies."

North Pole Spokeself Feliz Navidad assured Holiday Tribune that Mr. Claus is not a criminal, but that he has put Mr. Tumkins on the naughty list.

December 6, 2010

Santa Acquires Submarine

Sources at the North Pole say that Santa Claus recently acquired a slightly used submarine as a backup plan in case the North Pole melts.

Elves say that Mr. Claus believes that in the next few decades, climate change may make his icy home melt into seawater. As a result, Mr. Claus needed a place to relocate to in case that happens. While the preferred location is apparently the South Pole, Mr. Claus would need a means of transporting his workshop and all his elves there. So when a submarine came up for sale on e-bay, the opportunity was too good to pass up.

"We're really excited about this," exclaimed one elf, "we think he should use it in the meantime to make deliveries to Hawaii."

Sources say claims that Mr. Claus is attempting to buy an aircraft carrier are completely untrue.

December 5, 2010

Scientist: We Are One Day Closer to Christmas

A prominent scientist studying the passage of time today said that we are one day closer to Christmas than we were yesterday.

Melvin Potts, head scientist for the Space and Time Observatory, says he can say with "some certainty" that there are at least 24 hours less time until Christmas. This, he says, was the result of a multi-year, multi-million dollar research study. When asked why he wasted his time and taxpayer money on such a study, Mr. Potts looked up from his prepared notes, gave the reporter asking the question what can only be called a dirty look, and continued his remarks. He noted that there is no need to panic. The passage of time, he says, is "not getting any faster."

When it was pointed out that one could tell we were one day closer to Christmas simply by looking at a calendar, Mr. Potts retorted that such a thing was preposterous.One reporter at the news conference pulled out an Advent Calendar to show how she marked the passage of time until Christmas. At that time, Mr. Potts ran into the audience, grabbed the advent calendar, and skipped away singing "I'm Gettin' Nuttin' for Christmas".

In a related development, the Space and Time Observatory today announced that it is inviting in a team of psychiatrists to have a look at some of its scientists.

December 4, 2010

Santa Hires Dentist to Assist With Front Teeth Requests

After thousands of requests from little children wishing for front teeth this Christmas, Santa decided to call in a professional.

George Conway, of Mistletoe, Arizona had a thriving dental business when one day in October his phone rang. On the other end was Santa, who explained that his elves were tired of making teeth for little children whose sole wish is to have front teeth so they could say "Sister Susie sitting on a thistle."

"I viewed it as a great opportunity to make a difference this Christmas," Mr. Conway said, "and it doesn't hurt that I get to ride on Santa's sleigh to insert the teeth either.

Some critics claim that little children don't really want front teeth, but that they were simply singing the popular song "(All I Want for Christmas Is) My Two Front Teeth". However, sources at the North Pole say that Santa does not want to take chances and so he takes each Christmas wish at face value. Until children stop singing out that they want those teeth, it looks like they are in for a visit from George Conway, dental elf.

December 3, 2010

WikiLeaks Confirms Santa Real

Thousands of documents released today on WikiLeaks confirm that there is indeed a Santa Claus. The documents, purported to be the top secret communications among North Pole Elves, paint a picture of a large, jolly man who is unhealthily obsessed with Christmas.

"This is big. This is bigger than big," exclaimed one woman, who asked to remain anonymous because she thinks Santa would put her on the naughty list if she confirms her identity.

WikiLeaks is not revealing how they obtained the documents. It is believed that a disgruntled elf who was tired of working on toys 365 days a year is the original source.

Top U.S. government officials had no official comment, but several of them were willing to state off the record that they hoped Santa Claus would indeed be coming to town this Christmas.