October 30, 2013

Cemetery Trick-or-Treating of Grave Concern, Parents Say

Parents in Spigot Falls, Texas today demanded that the local cemetery be developed into a strip mall so that children can no longer go trick-or-treating from grave to grave.

"It all started a few years back, when zombies and vampires came out of their graves on Halloween night to give trick-or-treaters a scare and a Milky Way," explained local historian Elma Lou Higginbottom. "The undead started giving out king-size candy bars and pretty soon all the children in the town were going there on Halloween night. Parents were okay with the whole thing until some of the children developed a taste for brains."

In addition to the strip mall petition, parents have put up a barricade around the cemetery in an effort to discourage trick-or-treating. While most parents worried about children becoming denizens of the night, other parents had different concerns. One parent remarked: "I'm not too worried about the 'children turning into undead' part. It's those king-size candy bars we should be worried about. Those things are pure evil. They are cavity causing menaces. If my kids turn into zombies, at least they'll be eating something without any high fructose corn syrup."

It is unknown whether the barricade will successfully keep out determined trick-or-treaters. Representatives from the local undead community advised they will not be commenting until sundown.


October 28, 2013

Santa Claus Warns Halloween Trick or Treaters

Early Monday morning at a press conference in the North Pole, Santa Claus warned that any children who choose tricks rather than treats this Halloween will be put on a probationary naughty list.

"Trickery has no place on the good list," Santa Claus explained. "Although Halloween trickery will not necessarily lead to a place on the finalized naughty list, the chances are higher than for those who choose treats."

The International Association of Halloween Trickery responded to the news with disbelief. "What about parents who eat their children's Halloween candy? What about dentists who hand out toothbrushes and floss? These actions, which cause such tricks to occur, should also be grounds for naughty listing. We call on Santa Claus to show fairness."

In related news, the North Pole announced that any parent allowing their child to dress up this Halloween as Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus would be put on the naughty list permanently.


October 23, 2013

Congress Chooses Costumes for Halloween

In a bipartisan vote, Congress today decided to require members of both the House and the Senate to dress up as rational human beings this Halloween. The vote was not without its critics, however.

One Senator expressed concern that such costumes were too unrealistic. Another Senator decried the high costs of makeup required to pull off the costume. Over in the House, members advocated no costumes at all, laconically observing that going trick-or-treating as a member of Congress was far scarier than anything they could ever dream up.

In related votes, the Republicans in the House voted today to require means testing before handing out any trick-or-treat candy to children with poor costumes, and Democrats in the Senate voted for a candy tax on the children who earn the most candy.

October 22, 2013

Dentist Hands Out Candy For Halloween

Most dentists hand out apples, toothpaste or toothbrushes for Halloween. But not Dr. Calvin Kadera of White Plains, New York. Dr. Kadera this year has decided to forgo the healthy treats and instead hand out the largest and sweetest sweets he can find.

"What I'm really looking for is some giant Jolly Ranchers. Those things are murder on teeth!" Dr. Kadera said, his perfect smile showing his brilliant white teeth. "For years I gave out the typical dentist Halloween fare, but what did it get me? A bunch of ungrateful children with no cavities. This year I realized Halloween could be a great opportunity for me to create life-long patients. With any luck, in addition to gigantic cavities I'll get some patients with cracked teeth or even the need for implants."

Although Halloween is still more than a week away, children in the area have begun to line up outside Dr. Kadera's door in anticipation of the candy bonanza. When asked about the expected candy haul, one child's parent responded, "It's all right if the candy makes my kid's teeth fall out. Dr. Kadera is also handing out discounts on dental x-rays, so it's all good."


October 21, 2013

Zombies Demand Affordable Healthcare

Zombies across the country are furious at a recent decision to deny the undead access to the Affordable Care Act. The decision came Monday morning at a press conference in a darkened room blocks away from the White House.

"While the United States wants every one of its citizens to have access to affordable health care, we feel that extending coverage to creatures of the night would be beyond the scope of the law as currently written," explained Joseph Parminter, Undersecretary of Inhuman Services.

When asked why the law's requirement to cover pre-existing conditions would not extend to zombies and vampires, Mr. Parminter nervously replied the administration and Congress agreed that death should not be considered a pre-existing condition covered under the law. This came as a shock to most since it is widely believed that Congress includes several vampires and zombies set on sucking the life out of the nation's economy.

Following Mr. Parminter's remarks, several zombie reporters stood up and began shambling toward the podium. Mr. Parminter ran away screaming.

In response to the administration's decision, a group called the Citizen's Alliance for Zombie Equality has indicated it will develop a healthcare exchange of its own called ZombieCare. Talks with insurance companies begin on Halloween, and it is expected that any insurance plans offered will have robust coverage for blood transfusions and brain surgery.