November 27, 2013

Airlines Plan Turkey Dinners for Stranded Travelers

Three major airlines today announced that they will provide tasteless reheated Turkey dinners for all the passengers they intend to strand this Thanksgiving.

"We just felt that since we intend to do a horrible job getting them to their final destination, a turkey dinner was the least we could do," explained one CEO, who wished to be anonymous on the grounds due to fears that passengers might actually think kindly of an airline CEO.

However, the airlines also announced that their turkey dinners would not be free. Proposed prices ranged from $40 to $100, with the price increasing depending on how many flight cancellations a passenger had to endure. "We figured the longer they're trapped, the more desperate they'll be," said one Ancillary Revenue Manager, who wished to remain anonymous.

Passengers had mixed reactions to the news.

"It's nice that they want to give us reheated airline food turkey dinner for $40," grumbled Georg Kasinsky as he waited in 5 mile long line for check-in, "but how about they just get us to our destination?"

Kacey Smith of Brooklyn, New York, however, expressed delight. "It's perfect! I get a Thanksgiving dinner without all the family drama and I don't have to listen to Uncle Bob yelling at the television all day. All it costs me is $100 and a week of sleeping on the floor with a bunch of strangers in some random airport. Oh, and with a lumpy suitcase as a pillow. You know, thinking about it, this might just become my new Thanksgiving tradition."

November 25, 2013

Astronomers Discover Comet ISON Is Actually A Large Ball of Gravy

Astronomers in New Mexico today announced that after closer observation of "comet of the century" ISON, they had determined that the comet was largely composed of gravy.

"We were as surprised as anyone," said Richard Starley, lead astronomer for the team that released the news. "Most comets are made of ice and rock, but this one is totally different. It's pure gravy, although some of the data indicate there may be some giblets in there too. When I first saw the data, I thought I was hallucinating. But there is no doubt. That thing is made of gravy."

While stunned astronomers around the world reassessed their models of the solar system to include gravy comets, experts in the food industry scrambled to apply for resource-mining rights on the comet.

"We figure we could get a good five year's worth of gravy for Thanksgiving dinners. There's enough there to let everyone have some for their mashed potatoes and still have enough left over to pour on some biscuits," explained Roy Terpening, a procurement manager at Gary's Gravy. "This is our only chance to get that gravy before it gets thrown out of the solar system by the sun's gravity."

Comet ISON. Photo credit: ESA/Hubble

November 19, 2013

Top Artists Release Thanksgiving Album

A group of top-selling artists, including Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, and Alison Krauss today announced that they will release an album of popular Thanksgiving music.

"We felt like Thanksgiving is too often skipped over musically," explained John Hughes, the obscure record company executive who came up with the idea. "Everyone starts playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving. It's time to change that."

Critics have given the album relatively good reviews, considering that the album consists of twelve different artists performing "Over the River and Through the Woods" in different styles.

When asked why there was only one song on the album, Mr. Hughes explained that the album was supposed to showcase popular Thanksgiving songs, but in the end they could only think of one.

"I am sure that when people hear the different versions of this popular song, they will make listening to this record a yearly tradition. Miley Cyrus' version of the song nearly made me cry."

Some listeners of the album have reported that there is a hidden bonus song after the last track, a punk rock version of "Count Your Blessings (Instead of Sheep)." Mr. Hughes confirmed that some of the first albums they produced include the track, but that they stopped including the track after it was realized that even this potential Thanksgiving song only became famous due to the movie White Christmas.

Holiday Tribune then asked Mr. Hughes how he felt about the fact that although "Over the River and Through the Woods" originated as a Thanksgiving song, it is now associated more closely with Christmas. At that point Mr. Hughes hung up the phone.

November 18, 2013

Thanksgiving Now Officially Thanksbuying

Surrounded by retailers and CEOs, and citing the number of retailers opening their stores the day before Black Friday, the President today signed an executive order officially changing the name of Thanksgiving to Thanksbuying.

"We felt that the name Thanksgiving is becoming outdated," explained Jeff Gromer, spokesman for the American Merchant League. "I mean, seriously, who gives thanks on that day anymore? Eating Thanksgiving dinner has just become an obstacle to the real purpose of the day: fighting crowds at the store to find a great deal."

Pilgrim re-enactment actors around the country protested the name change, claiming that people still want to be with their families on Thanksgiving, giving thanks and eating pie. But calls for further comment to multiple groups were not returned, and the greeting on many of the voicemails advised they were out shopping. It is not expected that they will be able to return calls until after Black Friday.

In related news, turkey farmers announced that they have found a way to print advertising directly onto the turkey. Horace Newbridge, spokesman for the Turkey Growers of America, said this new innovation is "an exciting new way to enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner while also planning out your post-dinner shopping."

November 6, 2013

Yam Growers Developing Yam-Flavored Marshmallows

Food scientists at the Yam Association Merchants of America (YAM America), today revealed that they are developing yam-flavored marshmallows. They say their innovation has the potential to revolutionize the yam industry as well as Thanksgiving dinners across America.

"When most people think about yams, they think about an orange potato covered in heaps of marshmallows," explained Ted Wessel, president of YAM America. "We feel like there is a market for those who want to just eat marshmallows but still want to keep the great taste of yams in their Thanksgiving dinner."

A recent survey found that nearly 4 in 10 Americans skim the marshmallows off their yams and leave the orange tubers sitting uneaten on their plate. Mr. Wessel expressed certainty that those people still wanted the great taste of yams, except "without all the nutrition."

YAM America expects the new marshmallows, which they are calling "yammallows," to be on the shelf a few days before Thanksgiving. They have already started putting up advertising with their new slogan "Yammy is Yummy."

November 1, 2013

Retailers Underwhelmed on Black And Orange Friday

Retailers hoping for a large turnout on Black and Orange Friday, the traditional Friday of shopping each year on which Halloween falls on a Thursday, reported underwhelming sales through this morning.

"It's like no one even heard of Black and Orange Friday," complained Manfred Carlito, of Manny's Motors and Lace, a retailer selling car parts and lace doilies. "The only people that came in were an old man who had programmed his GPS wrong and a young woman who had lost her bulldog."

Experts attribute the lackluster sales to post-Halloween candy hangovers and a desire to spend Hallloween weekend with family. According to Robert Snerdnzny, a researcher at Oxford College in Oxford, North Dakota, Halloween weekend is quickly replacing Thanksgiving weekend as a time to gather with family.

"Each year more stores open on Thanksgiving, getting an early start to the traditional Black Friday shopping day. As a result, families recognize that they can no longer afford to sit around eating turkey, watching football and creating memories. So instead of spending that time together on Thanksgiving weekend, many families choose to gather together on Halloween weekend. As a result, post-Halloween retail is suffering," explained Mr. Snerdnzny.

The few shoppers who ventured out on Black and Orange Friday found no sales, stores opening at regular hours, and few lines.

"It's really disappointing," complained Mindy Herwik while checking out an iPad at a local electronics store. "I didn't even get trampled by a lunatic mob when the store opened. Instead I just walked politely into the store. Where's the fun in that?"