November 25, 2013

Astronomers Discover Comet ISON Is Actually A Large Ball of Gravy

Astronomers in New Mexico today announced that after closer observation of "comet of the century" ISON, they had determined that the comet was largely composed of gravy.

"We were as surprised as anyone," said Richard Starley, lead astronomer for the team that released the news. "Most comets are made of ice and rock, but this one is totally different. It's pure gravy, although some of the data indicate there may be some giblets in there too. When I first saw the data, I thought I was hallucinating. But there is no doubt. That thing is made of gravy."

While stunned astronomers around the world reassessed their models of the solar system to include gravy comets, experts in the food industry scrambled to apply for resource-mining rights on the comet.

"We figure we could get a good five year's worth of gravy for Thanksgiving dinners. There's enough there to let everyone have some for their mashed potatoes and still have enough left over to pour on some biscuits," explained Roy Terpening, a procurement manager at Gary's Gravy. "This is our only chance to get that gravy before it gets thrown out of the solar system by the sun's gravity."

Comet ISON. Photo credit: ESA/Hubble

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