November 18, 2013

Thanksgiving Now Officially Thanksbuying

Surrounded by retailers and CEOs, and citing the number of retailers opening their stores the day before Black Friday, the President today signed an executive order officially changing the name of Thanksgiving to Thanksbuying.

"We felt that the name Thanksgiving is becoming outdated," explained Jeff Gromer, spokesman for the American Merchant League. "I mean, seriously, who gives thanks on that day anymore? Eating Thanksgiving dinner has just become an obstacle to the real purpose of the day: fighting crowds at the store to find a great deal."

Pilgrim re-enactment actors around the country protested the name change, claiming that people still want to be with their families on Thanksgiving, giving thanks and eating pie. But calls for further comment to multiple groups were not returned, and the greeting on many of the voicemails advised they were out shopping. It is not expected that they will be able to return calls until after Black Friday.

In related news, turkey farmers announced that they have found a way to print advertising directly onto the turkey. Horace Newbridge, spokesman for the Turkey Growers of America, said this new innovation is "an exciting new way to enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner while also planning out your post-dinner shopping."

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