December 11, 2013

All They Want For Christmas Is An XBox One

The publisher for the popular Christmas song "(All I Want for Christmas) Is My Two Front Teeth" today announced that they have updated the lyrics to more accurately reflect modern wish requests.

"Children these days don't really care about their two front teeth. They just want to play video games," explained Donald Jones, the music executive behind the idea. "So we figured we would change the words 'two front teeth' to 'an XBox One.' We feel like the change will make the song resonate better with today's kids."

The change required a massive rewrite of the lyrics. One of the more controversial changes involves the line "Sister Susie sitting on a thistle." In the new version of the song, Sister Susie is no longer sits on that thistle. Instead, Sister Susie is now "shooting off a missile."

Along with various parent groups, dentists called for a boycott of the song on the grounds that teeth received at Christmas tend to have fewer cavities than teeth that grow in normally. The music company, however, says they have addressed that issue. They say they have developed a tooth brushing video game that will teach kids how to brush properly while singing the new version of the song.

It is unknown how the change to the song will affect the North Pole's tooth-delivery agreement with dentist George Conway.

December 9, 2013

Christmas Cancelled in Killarney

City officials in Killarney today announced that due to an unusual amount of Leprechaun activity, Christmas will be cancelled this year.

"There are so many leprechauns this year that everyone is out chasing rainbows and gold. There won't be any folks at home, so we felt that cancelling Christmas was best for everyone," said Seamus O'Callaghan, city event manager for Killarney. "Plus, Father John said he won't be able to bless any houses this year. He says he has the gout."

People across the world expressed disappointment. Pamela Freeman of Detroit, Michigan was particularly sad.

"I had hoped to cuddle under some mistletoe and kiss my beau while on vacation in Ireland, but I suppose now I'll have to settle for kissing the blarney stone."

December 6, 2013

Santa Sells Blitzen to Petting Farm

There was shock across the nation Friday when sources at the North Pole confirmed what had been long feared among flying-reindeer aficionados. Santa Claus has sold Blitzen to a petting farm.

The move was not wholly unexpected. For years now Blitzen has refused to pull his weight, claiming that he should have a Christmas song named after him and not that "red-nosed freak" Rudolph. Though Mr. Claus had attempted to placate Blitzen with a spot closer to the front, it was apparent to most observers that sooner or later the "Blitzen situation," as experts called it, would come to a head.

That apparently happened on Thursday, when Mr. Claus arrived at the reindeer house to find Blitzen trying to organize a reindeer strike on Christmas Eve. Though Blitzen claimed it was just a "reindeer game," Mr. Claus evidently had had enough.

"At first Santa wanted to sell him to a slaughterhouse, but we talked him out of that," said Valerie Skippy, reindeer handler at the North Pole.

According to spokeselves at the North Pole, instead of ending up as reindeer meat Blitzen is now at the Rainybrook Petting Zoo in Columbus, Ohio. It is not expected that he will be returning to the North Pole.

Elves have already begun hunting for a replacement for Blitzen. One name that keeps popping up is that of three-time trick-flying champion Jim. However, there are some concerns that his name might not have enough mystique to be a part of Mr. Claus' sleigh-pulling team. All observers agree though that Jim's name is better than the name of the other reindeer being considered, Pamperpuff.

December 5, 2013

Santa Uses NSA Information for Naughty List

The NSA today admitted that all child-related intelligence they gather is shared with the North Pole so Santa Claus can compile his well-known naughty list.

In their admission, which came after leaked documents showed the collaboration, the NSA claimed that only intelligence on foreign children's activities was given to Mr. Claus.

Where did Santa get this list?
However, the leaked documents show that some American children may have been put on the naughty list due to information gathered by the NSA.

The documents note that one child who famously sang that he was getting "nuttin' for Christmas" may have gone unnoticed by Mr. Claus and his elves. However, the NSA acquired a cell phone conversation in which the child's mom had been talking about the boy's behavior to a friend. Soon after the information was shared with the North Pole, the boy landed on the naughty list.

Spokeselves at the North Pole downplayed the revelations, saying that Mr. Claus has many sources of information and to disclose them all would put the Christmas security at risk.

"If kids know how we find out about their activities, they will be able to avoid the naughty list. Then what is Santa going to check twice? His laundry list?" said Freddy Pointyears, head spokeself for the North Pole.

Experts say the news is not surprising. "It's a well known fact that Santa 'sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.' How else is Santa going to know all that if he didn't have satellites, a well-developed network of spies, and agreements with the NSA?" explained Autumn Westerly, a researcher at the North Pole Research Institute.

The documents also shed light on what the NSA gets in return for the  shared information. In exchange for the intelligence, the documents say, Mr. Claus agreed to NSA requests that would put various people on the naughty list indefinitely, including North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, NSA leaker Edward Snowden, and anyone who creates annoying Internet memes.

December 4, 2013

Parents of Young Adults Want to Ban Popular Christmas Song

Thousands of parents across the nation today signed a petition to ban playing the song "I'll Be Home For Christmas" within 100 feet of any college campus or any other gathering place for young adults.

Jim Destrahan, the organizer of the petition, says that parents are worried that the songs lyrics are part of the reason so many young adults are coming back home to live permanently. "They hear these song lyrics and want to come home for Christmas. But then they stay. Forever."

Young adults were stunned when told of the petition.

"It's not like we want to stay in the basement forever or anything," said John Spiro. "I don't think I'd be there past the age of 45 or so."

Experts say that it's possible that the song might lead to more adults returning home, but there's no way to tell. That's not stopping Mr. Destrahan though. He says parents across the nation are signing the petition and buying t-shirts he has printed with the words "You'll be home for Christmas? Only in your dreams."

December 2, 2013

North Pole Exploring Alternate Delivery Options

Soon after announced they were testing drones for package delivery, the North Pole announced that it too was testing drones for Christmas Eve deliveries.

"With the cost of feeding reindeer, we felt it was prudent to begin exploring alternate delivery options," explained spokeself Randall Sparklyeyes. "Kids around the world expect quick and efficient toy deliveries, and we feel like this has the potential to be a viable alternative to our current Christmas Eve strategy."

When asked whether children would be disappointed that the toy delivery would not include a visit from Santa, Mr. Sparkleyeyes said that surveys show 90% of all kids care more about the toys they received than the way those toys arrived at the house. Additionally, he said that if the North Pole decides to go ahead with the drones, Santa will continue making limited personal deliveries. That way, he said, no child will know for sure if their toys were delivered by Santa or by a drone.

It is unknown whether use of the drones would result in any reindeer layoffs.