December 5, 2013

Santa Uses NSA Information for Naughty List

The NSA today admitted that all child-related intelligence they gather is shared with the North Pole so Santa Claus can compile his well-known naughty list.

In their admission, which came after leaked documents showed the collaboration, the NSA claimed that only intelligence on foreign children's activities was given to Mr. Claus.

Where did Santa get this list?
However, the leaked documents show that some American children may have been put on the naughty list due to information gathered by the NSA.

The documents note that one child who famously sang that he was getting "nuttin' for Christmas" may have gone unnoticed by Mr. Claus and his elves. However, the NSA acquired a cell phone conversation in which the child's mom had been talking about the boy's behavior to a friend. Soon after the information was shared with the North Pole, the boy landed on the naughty list.

Spokeselves at the North Pole downplayed the revelations, saying that Mr. Claus has many sources of information and to disclose them all would put the Christmas security at risk.

"If kids know how we find out about their activities, they will be able to avoid the naughty list. Then what is Santa going to check twice? His laundry list?" said Freddy Pointyears, head spokeself for the North Pole.

Experts say the news is not surprising. "It's a well known fact that Santa 'sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.' How else is Santa going to know all that if he didn't have satellites, a well-developed network of spies, and agreements with the NSA?" explained Autumn Westerly, a researcher at the North Pole Research Institute.

The documents also shed light on what the NSA gets in return for the  shared information. In exchange for the intelligence, the documents say, Mr. Claus agreed to NSA requests that would put various people on the naughty list indefinitely, including North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, NSA leaker Edward Snowden, and anyone who creates annoying Internet memes.

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