August 28, 2014

Man Annoys Co-Workers By Singing Christmas Songs All Year

Co-workers of Mr. Colin Versey of San Francisco, California today filed a complaint with the state Labor Board claiming inhospitable working conditions due to "constant singing and humming of Christmas songs no matter the time of year."

Mr. Versey, they claim, starts singing Christmas songs as he walks into work and never stops until he walks out the door. Even then, they aren't sure he stops.

"It's incredibly annoying," griped Susan Wozniak, who works in the cubicle next to Mr. Versey. "He never stops. Even during meetings, he keeps humming under his breath. Have you ever tried to discuss your team's KPI's when someone is humming 'Santa Claus is Coming To Town'? It's not possible."

"I should have figured he'd be trouble when he came to the interview wearing an ugly Christmas sweater with blinking lights," said Harvey Dasani, Mr. Versey's boss. "It was the middle of summer, for goodness sake. I thought the way he answered all my questions using Christmas songs was a clever gimmick. How could I have known he'd never stop?" 

Mr. Versey says he was not aware he was singing the songs. "I'm just a jolly fellow who likes Christmas. I didn't even realize I was singing. I don't see what all the fuss is about though. I think 'Silver and Gold' goes great with a meeting about our latest financial analysis."

When asked why the company doesn't just fire their singing employee, Mr. Dasani said that Mr. Versey has claimed that "holiday cheer" is a protected status under California anti-discrimination laws. So out of an abundance of caution they were referring the matter to the Labor Board.

Although Mr. Versey's co-workers hope the Labor Board will allow Mr. Versey's company to fire him, most experts expect the Board to reject the complaint on the basis that they do not wish to be placed on the naughty list.

August 26, 2014

Survey Shows Lazy Labor Day For Most People

A new survey shows that 94% of Americans have little to no intention of performing any labor on Labor Day.

The survey, performed by the Work and Play Foundation of American, also asked respondents what they intended to do on Labor Day. 53% responded that they were looking forward to sitting in traffic on the way to visit relatives they didn't really want to visit, 34% responded that they intended to watch reality shows all day hoping to find some meaning in it all, and 7% said they were planning on starting a project at home that they would likely never finish.

"Our survey shows that most people think of Labor Day as a day when nothing of value is produced for the human race," explained Neville Trehume, the man who designed the survey.

In related news, the Travel Channel today announced that on Labor Day it will produce a new reality show titled "Travel With The Kardashians." Mr. Trehume pointed to that news as support for his assertion.

August 21, 2014

Mothers Group Plans Labor Day Protests

The International Mothers of Mercy (iMom) announced today that they will be protesting on the upcoming Labor Day holiday around the United States. The leader of the group, Veronica Hispus, expressed confidence that the protests would be peaceful and that none of the protesters would have to be sent to their room for misbehavior.

"We feel like Labor Day ought to celebrate the pain we put our bodies through in labor, not some nameless worker who really only wants the day off so he can go fishing," explained Ms. Hispus. "Labor is serious work, and mothers ought to be recognized for that work."

When one reporter pointed out that there is already a day to recognize mothers (Mother's Day), Ms. Hispus told him to change his attitude before she counted to four or he would not get any of the refreshments that had been planned for after the news conference.

The spokesman for the Labor Day Foundation responded to the news by encouraging mothers to unionize. Only then, he asserted, will mothers find adequate compensation for and protection against the dangerous conditions they must endure during their careers in motherhood.