September 8, 2014

Santa Claus Files Suit Against United States

Spokeselves at the North Pole today announced that Santa Claus has filed a suit against the United States claiming that the United States illegally tracks his movements every Christmas Eve.

"Every Christmas Eve, the United States maliciously and without a warrant uses its NORAD systems to track Mr. Claus during his Christmas Eve flight," explained the elf. "This is an egregious violation of his privacy rights. We are requesting the courts to put an end to this outrageous practice."

The top spokesman for NORAD, Tim O'Reilly, responded to the allegations by pointing out that Mr. Claus is not a citizen of the United States. "He invades our airspace annually with impunity. We would gladly stop monitoring him if he goes through proper channels to obtain a visa and file a flight plan prior to his Christmas Eve delivery, but despite repeated attempts to make him get the visa, he continues to fly through our airspace and land on roofs around the country without clearance."

Experts in Christmas law are divided on whether Mr. Claus should be required to obtain clearance from the United States. While some claim that Mr. Claus should be subject to the laws of the countries he delivers to, others say that North Pole law supersedes national laws. North Pole law states that Mr. Claus shall have full access to the residences of all good boys and girls so that he may fulfill his toy delivery duties without hindrance from national authorities.

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