Santa Claus today admitted that he never intended to become the well-known Christmas icon with a jelly-jiggling belly. Instead, he says, he was a normal guy with a costume idea for a Halloween party centuries ago.
"Some of my friends wanted to have a costume party one Halloween," Mr. Claus explained to a group of reporters last Saturday, "and I had the red suit idea. I thought I looked like a giant strawberry, but everyone else liked the look. There was one girl named Moira that really liked it. I wanted to impress her so much that I started wearing the suit year-round. Turns out, wearing a Halloween costume every day doesn't exactly impress certain people."
Mr. Claus went on to say that he moved to the North Pole to escape the ridicule from people who didn't understand how much he liked his Halloween costume. The toy deliveries came later as a suggestion from his psychiatrist while Santa was trying to deal with major depression after realizing that his only friends were elves and reindeer.
Asked whether he goes trick-or-treating on Halloween still, Mr. Claus got a twinkle in his eye and said he does on occasion go out that night, though he usually takes off the Santa suit and uses an alternate costume. This year, he said he was thinking of going as Tim Allen or Richard Attenborough, both of whom played Santa on screen. Alternately, he said, he may expand his repertoire a bit and try going as Burl Ives.
In related news, Santa also noted that his recent spat with dentists has led him to the decision that any dentist that hands out a toothbrush or dental floss on Halloween will automatically be put on the naughty list.