December 22, 2016

Silent Night Interrupted By Drummer

Police today announced they had given a local drummer a ticket last week for playing his drum on what was otherwise a silent night.

"The guy just started pa-rum-pum-pum-pumming away on his drum while everyone else was asleep," explained Police Chief Marvin Paxton. "It was such a silent night too. All was calm, all was bright, and then this drummer starts banging away on a drum. It was a real nuisance, so Officer Conway wrote him a ticket for a noise ordinance violation. We hope he chooses another venue to play his drum next time."

Chief Paxton says that a tuba player was also cited that night. The tuba player was accompanying the drummer with a pa-oompa-pum-pum.

December 16, 2016

Ghost of Christmas Future Quits

Citing the heavy workload, lack of benefits and irreconcilable differences with the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Future today announced that he is quitting immediately.

The iconic figure, best known from his life-changing work for Ebenezer Scrooge, posted the news on his Facebook wall in a lengthy rant.

"It is with heavy heart that today I announce my last day as Ghost of Christmas Future," the post read, "Over the years I have had many opportunities to help people change their ways. I'll miss that. I won't miss the comparisons to the Grim Reaper or the look of fear in their eyes as I show them their bleak future. I mean, seriously, why does the Ghost of Christmas Past get to be all light and glimmery and I have to wear that ridiculously heavy coat that hides my face? I've got a nice face. Not only that, but I've been working out and lost a lot of weight over the years. But those clothes are so baggy nobody notices. It's soul-crushing, that's what it is."

The post went on to note that he has never had the day off for Christmas in over 2000 years and that his workload has left him without time to date. He then looked down at the floor and mumbled something about finding a nice woman, settling down, and celebrating future Valentine's Days.

Soon after the news broke, the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present released a statement.

"We are sad to see our colleague go. Over the years we've haunted many people and changed many lives. Though Christmas Future was always a bit of a drag at the company holiday party, no one can claim he didn't put his whole heart into his work. He could do more with a silent gaze and a raised finger pointing ominously than anyone we've ever met. We wish him all the best for the future."

When one reporter asked what career he might go into after quitting, Christmas Future shrugged his shoulders and replied "Maybe I'll team up with the Easter Bunny or something." The reporter quickly pointed out that kids might be a little scared by him. At that point, the Ghost of Christmas Future glared back at the reporter from under his dark hood, raised a bony finger and pointed to the exit.

December 13, 2016

Electoral College Considers Voting For Santa Claus

In a new twist to the continuing election drama surrounding President-Elect Trump, nearly two hundred electors from the Electoral College have released a letter announcing their intention to vote for Santa Claus when they cast their ballots.

Electoral College Ballot for Santa Claus

"We feel like the only way forward to unite the country is to cast our votes for Mr. Claus," a spokesman for the electors said in a statement. "Everybody loves Santa Claus. Let's face it. Not everyone loves the other choices."

Experts were quick to point out the difficulties in the proposed action.

"Santa is not a natural born citizen of the United States and he hasn't resided here for 14 years," explained Reid Thomson, a constitutional scholar and perennial naughty list lawyer. "Those are requirements to be president."

The spokesman for the group, which is calling itself the Jolly Electors, said they aren't worried by the constitutional challenges.

"Santa has been around so long, no one can say with certainty where he was born. It could have been Duluth for all we know. And we've all heard about how he lives at the North Pole. There's a North Pole, Alaska. Who says that's not his hometown? We're going on the assumption that he resides there."

Already, supporters of Mr. Trump are crying foul. One supporter called Santa Claus a fat has-been and declared that Santa has no right to take away Mr. Trump's plans to put coal in everyone's stocking for the next four years.

It's not known what Mr. Claus would set as policy should the electors be successful. Experts expect, however, that he would be in favor of a global trade agreement on toy exports and steps to curb global warming before the North Pole melts.

The North Pole did not respond to Holiday Tribune's requests for comments.

December 12, 2016

Holiday Tribune Returns!

Holiday Tribune returns!

Just when you thought the holidays were getting boring, Holiday Tribune bursts in with all new fake holiday news. And we're fake newsier than ever!

After all, why should politics get all the fake news?