December 16, 2016

Ghost of Christmas Future Quits

Citing the heavy workload, lack of benefits and irreconcilable differences with the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Future today announced that he is quitting immediately.

The iconic figure, best known from his life-changing work for Ebenezer Scrooge, posted the news on his Facebook wall in a lengthy rant.

"It is with heavy heart that today I announce my last day as Ghost of Christmas Future," the post read, "Over the years I have had many opportunities to help people change their ways. I'll miss that. I won't miss the comparisons to the Grim Reaper or the look of fear in their eyes as I show them their bleak future. I mean, seriously, why does the Ghost of Christmas Past get to be all light and glimmery and I have to wear that ridiculously heavy coat that hides my face? I've got a nice face. Not only that, but I've been working out and lost a lot of weight over the years. But those clothes are so baggy nobody notices. It's soul-crushing, that's what it is."

The post went on to note that he has never had the day off for Christmas in over 2000 years and that his workload has left him without time to date. He then looked down at the floor and mumbled something about finding a nice woman, settling down, and celebrating future Valentine's Days.

Soon after the news broke, the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present released a statement.

"We are sad to see our colleague go. Over the years we've haunted many people and changed many lives. Though Christmas Future was always a bit of a drag at the company holiday party, no one can claim he didn't put his whole heart into his work. He could do more with a silent gaze and a raised finger pointing ominously than anyone we've ever met. We wish him all the best for the future."

When one reporter asked what career he might go into after quitting, Christmas Future shrugged his shoulders and replied "Maybe I'll team up with the Easter Bunny or something." The reporter quickly pointed out that kids might be a little scared by him. At that point, the Ghost of Christmas Future glared back at the reporter from under his dark hood, raised a bony finger and pointed to the exit.

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